monologuewithher

"And I finally found the reason why you can never be like her"

2004-10-08T02:25:00.000-07:00

October 8th, 2004

Dear Britney,

It has been almost a month since I last wrote you a letter, but do not worry, for I have my reasons. Remember me telling you that, after the Madonna concert, things could change? Well… they have. And a lot. Somehow this button I used to have was entirely switched off, yet I still have no idea why and how.
Well first of all I have to tell you that the Madonna concert was GREAT. Great isn’t even the right word…. If you come to think about it, NO words can describe how fabulous it was. It made me realize why Madonna has been around for 20 years, carrying success wherever she goes. She’s a diva, she sings live, she creates her own music, she plays instruments, she dedicates herself to her concerts, she creates such a vibe it makes you think you’re in a different world… I finally realized why you love Madonna so much. I also realized why you want to be like her. And I finally found the reason why you can never be like her. She’s unique, and she doesn’t depend on others to re-invent herself.
During this whole period, a lot has happened. For instance, you married twice. True it was to a guy that isn’t exactly on my pink list, but once again it’s your life, your decisions, your heart… I realized I have no control over that, so I’ve given up trying. I’ll remain in my own little spot making bets and how long this relationship will last and stuff like that. I honestly don’t want to share these thoughts of mine with you, because that isn’t the image I want you to keep of me. So, fine, congratulations and I wish you all the best. After all, that’s what we fans are here for: to support you. We are all anxiously waiting for your “letter of truth”, although at first I still think it’s just another one of those marketing things.

Love ya loads,
Nikki

"This is her world... where we all belong"

2004-09-10T02:05:00.000-07:00

September 10th, 2004

Hey Britney!

Sorry it’s me again, but there’s something I just HAVE to tell you.
Well you know I’m a songwriter, OK? And you also know about the WoB Community. Well I combined the two things and came up with the song that has just been posted on the main WorldofBritney.com site, with a message specially addressed to you! I have kind of realized from over the years that you have quite a short memory, but Ruben Garay is the founder of this site, and I believe you spoke to him while you were shooting the “Me Against The Music” video. Well you can download the song there, but I thought I’d just like to show you the lyrics:

There is a place that we call home
A new sense of freedom, where we not alone
Up with the stars, that's where we'll find
The girl that we love spreading love divine

So that's where she'll be, on a bed of roses
Surrounded by soldiers, that we all call fans
This is her world, where we all belong
Where we stand together, where we watch her grow

Sing us a song one more time
She's done it again, she's looking so fine
That lucky girl, the touch of her hand
Is driving us crazy everytime she's bad

This is her world... where we all belong...We stand together... we watch her grow (repeat x2)

Well I sincerely hope you like them, they have meaning to all your fans.
Listen, I can’t sit and chat to you today, because I’ve still got to write an article for my school newspaper (which has to be handed in today and I haven’t even started). I’ll try get back to you as soon as I can.

Nikki

"how you get there is just your problem"

2004-09-09T01:58:00.000-07:00

September 9th, 2004

Hello Britney,

I have finally taken another step relating this whole monologue. I now do not only understand YOU, as I don’t understand some people that think they know more about you than me. How can I, other fans, and sometimes your closest relationships… even think that we know you… when not even you know yourself yet. I’m going to base myself on the kind words someone just told me… “sometimes people need to figure things out for themselves. Sometimes people have given so much of their lives to others that they just need some time to find out who they are, and mend their heart after they have been badly burned before”. Yeah, that’s you… And that’s exactly why there are a few important things I have got to tell you.
First of all, and I think I have mentioned this before, I didn’t start writing these letters out of the blue. They were (and are) the result of a few sessions with the psichologyst at school. I write you these letters not because I know you gonna read them, but just because there are certain things that need to be said. If I include the other letters I have already written, there are a total of 39 letters. I have not sent out one. And the reason why is because they’ll never get to you. They would either land up in between the thousands of letters you receive everyday, or, even if I were to hand you a letter personally, it would go imediately to the garbage bin. I don’t need that.
Then there’s another thing I really need to tell you. I don’t regret a single word I wrote in my last letter… but I’m going to leave that all behind, for I have reached another conclusion. There are a dozen of people outside my door (not literally, but you get what I mean), and all these people tell me to just leave you behind. They call you things I shall not mention in this letter, but I assure you that you wouldn’t like to hear it. I don’t defend you anymore. Maybe because I’m tired, or maybe because I just don’t know how to defend you anymore. But one thing is certain: I am about to disappoint those people right now, and who knows maybe even disappoint myself. But I can’t leave you… I just feel that I can’t desert you at a time you need your fans most. I’m religious, but it has nothing to do with this faith I feel within. You are going to find your way, and how you get there is just your problem. But I’m going to wait a little longer and hang on to someone that doesn’t really exist anymore. Because you’re human, you’re growing up, and although you’re famous and all that crap, you have the right to make mistakes.

One last thing: I’ve given up on Kevin too. I know I used to be obsessed with you and Justin, but I guess you can’t control somebody else’s destiny. So I still don’t give a damn about Kevin and whatever it is you see in him. Five years ago I became your fan, not his. And I hope that this Greatest Hits album that is coming out in November doesn’t state the end of a career which still has so much to give…

Nikki

P.S: I read what your mom said on the oficial site, and if all she said was true, then I’m really sorry about criticising you for something that wasn’t your fault.

"I seriously don’t care"

2004-09-06T02:50:00.000-07:00

September 6th, 2004

Dearest Britney,

Hello! Long time no see. And my I just say that in while it will be “no see long time”. Why? Because I’m TIRED. Yes, TIRED. You know very well that we all have the right to be tired of something, which many times leads to a very expected break. So this letter isn’t really gonna be short and sweet. I’ve been keeping a few things on my chest right now, and it’s time to let everything go.

So here’s the deal… Remember me telling you in my last letter that I wasn’t obsessed with what you do or don’t do? Well… I still remain with that idea. But something new is bothering me: your existence. Yesterday I spent the whole day just thinking about episodes in my life that involved you. The psychologists, my friends, teachers and even my family… all of these people had one thing in common: you control a part of my life. Well you do it in your own subconscious, because of course you don’t know who I am or what I do. What I am about to say right now shouldn’t be taken very seriously, because I’m not feeling very well.

OK… So last night I closed my eyes and the first thought that came to my mind was… your existence. So I dived into my subconscious and tried to modify that reality. So I imagined that you were… dead. You just didn’t exist anymore. But do you know what happened then? I pictured myself going into a real depression. I literally isolated myself from everybody and couldn’t live with myself anymore. I blamed myself for everything that had happened. It was horrible. And every time I tried to open my eyes, everything remained dark. My soul felt so troubled. The only thing I could think of at the time was bringing you back. I’m not talking crap, this really happened last night.

So when I woke up this morning, my head felt heavy, so heavy I could hardly bear it on my shoulders. So then I switched on the computer and decided to write you this letter. But there are still a few things I would like you to know…
I think I’ve told you about WoB, right? Well it stands for World of Britney and it’s a site created by Ruben Garay. While time passed, it started becoming more than just a site. Today it’s the internet’s largest Britney community. We’ve got out own forums where all the WoBbers discuss everything that’s possible to discuss. These last few days have been quite uptight, due to the last events. Missing the VMA’s was understandable, missing the Camp was pitiful, dissing your fans… something we’re still trying to figure out. Everybody’s been talking so many bad things about you, and sometimes I just feel like sitting down and forgetting I ever knew you. I’m SICK and tired of trying to be polite amongst the WoBbers, and it’s time that I finally let it out that I don’t like Kevin, I don’t like your latest decisions, I don’t like your latest lifestyle, I don’t like your latest attitudes, this is obviously a very dark age. But you know what? I don’t care. I seriously don’t care.
In eight days I’m going to see Madonna live. Although it’s a Madonna concert, I’ll be manifesting my love for you (I have my ways). But you know what? After that it means “bye bye”. Because instead of trying to fix up your life, I’m going to fix up mine. Whatever you do now is up to you. I’ll keep on loving you (for sure), but I won’t be expressing it anymore. And I swear I’ll keep hanging on because I believe that you’ll come back to us. I’m not asking you to go back to being the “old Britney”. No one really wants that. We all want you to grow up with us. But please prove that you more than what everyone says you are. If you’re happy with Kevin, whatever I don’t care. It’s not HIM we care about, it’s you.
Last but not least, I cannot help to comment something that happened a few days ago on my blog. As you know all these letters that I send to you are also posted on my personal blog, so that people can see what I’m going through (and also because I know you never read them). However, I received a comment addressed to the letter before this one called “I don’t like playing with fire”. Someone, calling him/herself “britney” wrote:

"this is britney spears.i am sorry you dont have what i have, but please leave me and kevin alone! we're in love and you are just jelus!"

One… it’s “jealous”… Second of all, I don’t want Kevin nor your lifestyle. I just always imagined you could be the big sister I never had. I hope you understand that and wish me luck for this “break”. Hopefully it won’t last for as long as yours.

Nikki

"I don’t like playing around with fire"

2004-08-27T02:46:00.000-07:00

August 22nd, 2004

Britney,

I’ve only just returned from holiday vacations. In case you forgot, I spent nearly five days exploring the northern part of my country. Some places are really beautiful, and if you like castles, churches and history, then Minho is a place you would like to visit. We saw lots of places, which means I can just about say I have explored the whole of my country.
While I was in Braga, I happened to pick up a newspaper with a small article of you in it. Something about you and Kevin (for a change). I landed up keeping the newspaper for myself, yet I do not know what I’m going to do with it. Although my conscience tells me to keep it safe so that I can throw it together with the rest of my collection of Britney articles, my heart tempts me to burn it, after I cast a spell or two. I probably will just keep it, because I don’t like playing around with fire. On top of it, the picture in the article is only of you, so I can just go on without reading the text.
Later on, in Viana, I was looking through some magazines until I picked up one with you on the cover (BRAVO magazine, sure you’ve heard of it). I once again felt sick when I realized that the article was about your future wedding. Still, I bought it and joined the cover to another one of my collections.
I want you to know that I’m not some sort of maniac, obsessed on what you do or don’t do. I just want you to know that I love you so much, that sometimes I mean to protect you. Silly, ain’t it?

Nikki

"I haven’t found a reason for all of this madness"

2004-08-27T02:44:00.001-07:00

August 16th, 2004
Hi Britney,

Well today I can’t really chat with you, because tomorrow I’m going up north for a few days and I still want to get everything sorted out. Otherwise, I’m sure you’ve probably got a bunch of things to do yourself, therefore I just wanted to show you a song I wrote, It’s about you, and kind of what I’m feeling right now. It’s called “Everything (That’s You)” and I hope you like it! Cheers!

I haven’t found a reason for all of this madness
I’d like to know why it is I am so glued to you
I know… there’s no reason at all
I think I’ve never felt so beautiful just by staring at your face

I will fall, I will cry
But it all leads up to this one very point in my life

I get a headache every time someone says your name
Just by thinking about everything
Everything’s that’s you

Everyone asks why it is that I like you so much
And I swear, I don’t know what to say
I stare at the computer nearly everyday
Trying to write you a letter where all I ask you is why things had to be this way

I saw you, you saw me
Still we acted like nobody had been seen

I just hate to think that I’m the only one that feels this way
And everything falls down on me
Although we are miles apart
Baby, you can still break my heart
Like the very first time

Like the very first time, oh yeah
I can still remember that day
How I wish I could go back and reconsider once again

You will fall, you will cry
And I will stay here because I promised to keep by your side

I have never taken my heart and let it be tortured this way
But I’m happy that it’s you
Stand by me and I will guide you when all the lights go out
That’s the way it should be, cause you’re my everything

Nikki

"I never thought I’d go this far"

2004-08-27T02:44:00.000-07:00

August 15th, 2004

Dear Britney,

You know that everyone goes on holiday, right? There’s just that one time of the year where you want to forget all your responsibilities and lay back in the sun and relax. Some people even use this time to visit that one place where they love to be, while others just want to be with their family. Meanwhile, you get people like me that face loving you like a living and when August comes around every year, they sit back and remember how it all started, Ah, yes! It was in grade 5, on the way to the zoo. I heard your song on the radio and thought to myself “there’s just something in that voice that makes me want to know more”. Then came the CDs, the magazine cut-outs and the rest of the whole extravaganza. I visited that same zoo less then a month ago, but it felt so different. It felt strange to look around and think that after all these years, things still remain the same. I wonder what it will be like to visit that same zoo again in a few years time. Do you think things will be different? I honestly don’t know. I never thought I’d go this far. This month I celebrate exactly five years that this bond was created in between us. Sometimes I even tell people it’s been six years because it feels like it’s been so long. I look back on the years and remember when I used to be a Spice Girls’ fan. Now that period in my life makes me literally laugh. But then I think of these last five years and only a smile comes to my face. You know why? Because it’s serious. I’m not a little girl anymore. After Jesus Christ and my mother, you have become my role model. The only difference between you and the first two is that I’ve got to think twice before I follow one of your steps.
I don’t think I’ve told you yet, but in September I’m going to see Madonna live. Yeah, you remember Madonna! She’s your role model. At least that’s what you always say. It’s become more than obvious that you’ve followed her steps. Do you ever wonder if what you’re doing is the right thing? Are you being yourself, or are you doing what you always wanted to do?

Nikki

"sometimes I just don’t know what to say"

2004-08-27T02:43:00.000-07:00

August 10th, 2004

Dearest Miss Spears,

It has never felt so good to call you “Miss Spears”. I get the chills every time I think people might start calling you “Mrs. Federline”. I keep imagining that on your wedding day I will be able to burst through that church door and just say “STOP!”. Then everyone would remain shocked, Kevin would let his pants fall down, the priest would sigh and close his heavy book, and then you would wake up at that moment and realize that you were just about to make one of your biggest mistakes in life. So by then I would have already arranged a taxi to wait for you outside the church, and you would go running out, frightening all the pigeons in your way… Well, that’s just me dreaming, and I don’t want to get my hopes up too high.
Strangest thing has been happening these last few days! Normally you’d think that when school’s finished, you’ll have all the time in the world to other things, such as writing letters to people that don’t read them. Then you land up finding a summer job that goes on for four weeks, and you think to yourself, “well as soon as that’s over, I’ll be sure to have all the time in the world!” So now the summer job is over and you realize that you have even less time to do the things you want to do. So most ironically, it is during school period that I have most time to talk to you. It’s not that I don’t want to… maybe sometimes I just don’t know what to say.
Anyhow, what I had to say today has already been said. On top of it, I’ve got a list of people I still want to write a letter to, including my family in South Africa. Therefore I’ll be leaving you for now, hoping that you’re nearly fully recovered from your knee injury and that life treats you kind. See you soon!

Nikki

“she’s real, she’s here”

2004-08-27T02:42:00.000-07:00

August 5th, 2004

Dearest Britney,

Today is a celebration day! You might not realize why at first, but the truth is it’s because today makes two months since I saw you (at the Rock in Rio). Everyday I take some time to think about that concert. To me it was more than a concert. It was realizing that you really exist. What made it even more special was the fact that my best friends were there with me. Did you know that they held my hand tight before you came on stage and kept saying, “she’s real, she’s here”. Those few moments hold a big space in my heart, along with every other second I spent screaming your name and singing your songs. You probably don’t remember that day. To you it was just another concert. Strange it is to know that two days later you and Kevin would be getting engaged…
I can’t be long today. I’m at work right now, (supposed to be) working through my lunch hour so that I can leave earlier. But since I was thinking about you, I’d thought it would be a good moment to say “hi”.
Tomorrow, or in my next letter, I promise I’ll take a bit longer, and probably explain things that you probably want to know (like what the hell got into me to just start writing you letters everyday). Well I better go… later on I still want to past by the post office and send this letter off. See you soon!

Nikki

"I need you to know that I exist"

2004-08-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

August 3rd, 2004

Dearest Britney,

I have just about lost count of all the letters I’ve sent you, but I think they are around thirty. Well, the truth is, right now thirty letters lay inside one of my notebooks because I didn’t send anyone out. So later on I might start talking about things you “supposed” to know of. But I promise I’ll try to avoid complicated situations (which is one of the reasons why those letters were never sent out). So I guess it’s starting from zero again…
Well my name is Dominique, but I am well-known as Nikki. I’ve never told you my age, because I don’t find it important for you to understand what I’m trying to say. But I would consider that fact that I’m living in Portugal an important detail. For me to be writing this letter, it could only mean two things: either I’m one of those ignorant people that find all the time in the world to write you hate-letters, or I’m just a simple, devoted fan, wanting to be heard after five years of complete dedication. The second option applies to me, actually. And I know you’ve probably heard this hundreds of times, so you’re just about to tear this letter apart and through it into a bin, thinking “Well it must be just another one of those letters where someone I don’t even know explains how much he loves me and really wants to meet me…”
Well guess what, Britney? I am one of those idiots that really love you and dream of meeting you. But my passion goes a bit more beyond that. I need you to know that I exist, that I wake up everyday thinking about and wondering what you might be doing. I need you to know that you’ve seen me, but my face probably faded away amongst the thousands of other fans around me. Last but not least, I need you to hear me out, listen to what I’ve got to say. I might not be your mother, sister, or best friend… but I’m someone that really cares about you, and right now that’s all that matters.
I admit that this “first” letter didn’t come out as well as planned. Probably because I’m hungry and can already smell the chicken and spaghetti waiting for me in the kitchen. So all I ask is for you to look out for my messy envelopes, because I promise that my next letters will be a lot more expiring, and there may be a few things about me you would like to know…

Nikki